T in the park day 2

We are woken again to the revelry at about 7am. That and the unbelievable heat. Its over 20 degrees at 9 in the morning with no wind. This is very rare for Scotland.

Over Breakfast we make a few decisions – I know two things. I don't want to wait in the queue to gt in and I also want to see Eagles of Death Metal. Since they are on quite early – I have to go down and join the queue at about 11am. Luke decides to come with me, and we arrange to meet the girls at 2pm beside the p-mate stall. http://www.p-mate.co.uk/

So off we go – back pack – energy – can of cold beer – looking California, but feeling Minnesota. Okay – we were looking Minnesota too. Yesterday's rocking on top of the damage done by Trent Reznor – topped off with sleeping in a tent, means that we have bodies which feel they have went five rounds with mike Tyson. My calf muscles ache from jumping and my shoulders and neck are stiff from headbanging, clapping – jumping up and down – carrying things to the tent. The good news is that my back doesn't have any problems. - I had some trouble a few years back. We're getting too old for this. Either that or in the future, we go into training before we get to T in the park.

The queue passes pretty quickly. There's not that many people out this early. As a result, we get into the stadium about an hour before the bands start. This gives us the chance to chill for a while – go to a clean toilet to get rid of the Thai food – get some beer tokens without queuing etc. Then we go off and enjoy some of the side attractions. Our first stop is an oxygen bar. This is a bar where instead of drinking, you sit and breath oxygen fro ten minutes. It's supposed to detox you and refresh you. We sit here for 10 minutes. I'm not convinced. I certainly feel quite fresh – and the sun seems to be shining a little brighter – but at £3.50 it didn't cost that much. A new experience anyway.

Next we wandered on, and did another new thing. We went for a shiatsu. I had never had a shiatsu before – its one of these things I always mean to do – but never get round to. It was wonderful. So having overdosed on oxygen and then opened up the muscles a bit more we are now walking about in just about the chilledest state I've ever been in. I finally manage to find my vest top in the army surplus store. The guy is looking me up and down. Clearly now I'm feeling California, but looking Amsterdam. I explain to him that its all shiatsu – I don't think h's that convinced.

We wander for another while – manage to miss Pete Townshend play with Rachel Fuller(Who she?) – see a little bit of Athlete(They're not bad – nothing to write home/blog about). Luke does some quick stand-up in the Nintendo Stand up tent involving muff diving swans(Long story). We then wander around for another while – drinking lots of water and not starting on the beer(as advised by my masseuse). Eventually we meet the girls before heading off to see the Eagles of Death metal. The girls don't seem to share our chilledness – the heat seems to be getting to them.

We collect everyone together 0- and allow various toilet stops to be made before I announce that since there is no one currently in front of the NME stage and the eagles of death metal are about to appear I'm going to get a good space. I fail to convince anyone else that a band called eagles of death metal are worth seeing.

The Eagles of death metal are a side group of The Queens of the Stone age. I don't know how I know this. I quite like Mark Lanegan, and I like quite a few of the QOTSA stuff, so through keeping an eye out on the internet I cam across them. For a while, if you went to www.eaglesofdeathmetal.com there was aflash movie which said “everytime you masturbate god kills a kitten” I like their humour.

They are pretty much a joke band – but comprised of such good musicians that the music is pretty good too. The front man(A Josh Homme alter ego), is very funny – nothing like Josh Homme., who is mean and moody when with QOTSA. He has a huge comedy moustache, mirror shades, he wiggles his hips – and has lots of tattoos. He kind of straddles the line between male-chauvinist Texan truckdriver and George Michael. It's bizarre. I've googled – and can't decide if Jesse "The Devil" Hughes(Eagles of death metal front man) is Josh Homme's alter eagle. They are the same height, same hair colour, and same initials. I'll keep my fantasies alive and assume they are the same person.


But on they come.

The front man announces that they are working over time for us – because they love us so much – a veiled reference to the fact that in three hours QOTSA will be on the main stage. The audience are comprised of less than 100 people who know who the hell this very strange band is. Bass is someone with large sideburns and wavey grey black hair – I don't know him – i'll have to go read my liner notes. The other guitarist is Dave Catching – he was in loads of bands(Earthlings I think – google needed but I'm in an Airport), and has played on Dessert Sessions(Another Josh homme side project), I've seen him play with Mark Lanegan in Glasgow before and seen him do odd jobs for Master's of reality(Another Josh homme side project) He looks really strange – he looks too old to be there – he has a strange mohok, and bright coloured glasses, which match his bright coloured specs. Strange indeed.



The band is completed by a mean and moody looking female blonde drummer. I always said there was something strange about the durmming on the eagles of death metal album – maybe this was it.



So they kick into so groovy but chugging tunes, most of which appear on their album Peace Love and Death metal. Its music that I can't help but dance to – there's very little Josh Homme in the vocals. He says “lets hear it for the laydeez” between most songs. “Let's hear it for Rock and roll” full of cliche's. Anyone who doesn't know who this band must think they are so bad, unfashionable and cliched. There have been many artists who have had side projects, and some have performed under fake names to achieve smaller audiences., but creating a new persona and following your real band round the festival circuit is new on me.

“Let's hear it for the Laydeez!!!!”

He notices that one of the four flags you can buy is a skull and cross bones – so comments that they've never had so much support from the pirate community.

“Let's hear it for the piracy!!!!”

“Aww hell, Let's hear it for the Laydeez again!!!!”

The female drummer is getting a lot of cheering from some guys in the crowd so keeps throwing them some drumsticks . The front man is getting a lot of support from some laydeez – so he hands them his t -Shirt at the end. They close with “Stuck in the middle with you” - a cover also on their album.

“See you later” It's clear they get a lot of fun out of this – it's a also a great treat for the diehard fans. Josh Homme appears to be a workaholic.

And then it's over – my music buzz has been topped up again – it's time for a beer. I go and pick the others up. They are less than enthusiastic about the eagles of Death Metal which they heard from the grass. Maybe you had to see them as well as hear them.

And we're off on the wander again. As a result of the Shiatsu – I have no cash left,a nd theres a 3 hour long(No exaggeration) cashline queue. Using my last on some sweet and sour chicken, I decide that I will manage to survive on beer tokens.

After getting a beer we wander a little – catch a little Razorlight and it's time for Snoop Dogg. Now I'm not one for hiphop, unless you count the Beastie Boys, but two of the girls wanted to go, and frankly i thought it would be a refreshing change from British bands called “the somethings.”



There was lots of crowd participation – and I found myself joining in. It was very hard n ot to “Let me hear you say Hell yeah” that kind of thing. He's damn good at his job. The strange thing is that even tho I'm not a snoop fan – I knew every song on the set., He's pretty much been doing this so long – that he's a charactiture of himself. Its certainly very refreshing. So there two firsts so far today – shiatsu massage and hip hop. It still doesn't equal sunday's first of someone singing Joni Mitchel as trent Reznor takes to the stage but it'll do.

So it's then a quick run back to meet up with everyone and then I'm off on my own to see Queens of the Stone age. I'm not the biggest fan in the world. I like the idea – I quite like the guys, but I can take or leave all their stuff except the songs for the death album, which I think is a great album. I like their sound – the denseness of it coupled with the quality of the pop music they can write sets them out from other stuff.

I'm a huge Mark lanegan fan – I think his voice is as close as we get to a real blues voice these days – he makes you believe, what's remarkable is that his voice exists destincly between each project – his sol stuff is bluesy folk(Well until Bubblegum), with Screaming trees(Seattle grunge again) it's seventies garage/psychedelia, and with QOTSA its some bizarre devil's choir harmonies – I'm therefore reasonably disappointed that he's not with QOTSA. As we say in Scotland “ He disnae keep very weel”

I''ll make do with the rest of the band – who are fine musicians – and Josh Homme – as mentioned during the eagles of death metal – is one of the best touring musicians around today. They rattle through a set which contains very few singles. The audience don't mind – they are the people who have opted for QOTSA american desert rock over Scotland's very own Kaiser Chiefs. Like me and I pray anyone knows guitar based music(including the Kaiser Chiefs themselves), they know that the QOTSA are on a completely different level. They are involved with so much music – The Desert Sessions, Screaming trees, Mark lanegan, the eagles of death metal, mondo generator, Chris Cornells's solo band, Auf der maur – just try to follow this:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Queens_of_the_Stone_Age

In two moves you can link them to almost any rock band in america. Matt Cameron played the drums with them – he now plays with Pearl jam. Easy see. I could market it as a board game.

They are very good, sound very good etc. I think i enjoyed the eagles of death metal better. QOTSA I have huge respect for but can take or leave. I prefer their side projects.

So it's back to the gang. Theya re looking a little down. One of their number ahs went home due to too much sun. In Order to cheer them up, I blow up some ballons and stick them in Luke Skye-trekker's T-Shirt. I then do the same for me. Everyone finds mine extremely funny. I think it's such cheap toilet humour I can't believe it – but anything to lift the atmosphere. People are now coming up and asking to photograph my breasts. I've also tied some ballons to a tent pole which is stuck in the back of my shorts and steadied by my backpack – now we can see ourselves on the big screen for green day – the festival closers.

So looking like a right haddie, we walk onwards, enjoying the shouts from passing T-in-the-parkers about my breasts and showing off my party trick of hold a pint in them. Having had breasts for around 1 hour, I now realise how much you dribble beer on them. Cleavage will never be the magical palce I thought i once was now that I know how much lands in it.

Fittingly – our last meal of T in the park – and my last in Scotland for a while is a bag of chips. They fall in the cleavage as well

We've met up with some college friends of Luke's, who given their inebriated state, add quite a lot of fun to the proceedings. We head off to Green day.

Green day are a strange band – they are loved and adored by 14 year old around the world. At 25, I was the first generation of 14 yr old to love them. I was 14 when dookie came out – we embraced its energy for a couple of years and then got bored with it. It resurfaced for me in about 1998 when I was in band who pretty much played the whole album as a warm-up. Like the ring – it disappeared from view for another few years. When I was a student, it was looked upon as some kids thing, as nimrod and warning were embraced by new sets of 14 yr old kids. It was no longer cool(if it ever had been) Now – every now and again dookie gets put back on, and I remember the barely 40 mins album where i know every drum beat, bass note and guitar chord. I even used dookie as a babysitting tool once in order to tire out a 5 yr old kid.

So green day take to the stage. I've never seen them live. By the time I was old enough to go(14yr olds could go to concerts in 1994), I was past that stage in musical development.



They play a two hour set – I jump and sing along all the way. I know almost every song even from the albums I never knew I'd listened to before. My jumping up and down is so much fun.

They are such great showmen. It's bizarre, they went from a reasonably controversial dope smoking(green day refers to a wasted day sitting smoking green I think) punk trio to a band who build their show around entertaining 14 yr olds. Its all very wholesome – but damn good fun. They bring a girl of about 7 up on stage to spray a super soaker at the audience. She gets scared when she stand on the podium, claps her hand above her head and the audience do the same. Its sweet – she gets such a fright when 70,000 people copy her. Power over 70,000 people must be scarey at that age.



A few songs later – Green day do their standard thing of bringing people on stage to play with them. This works really well – its's great fun, and the guitarist gets to keep the guitar. The look on his face is priceless, as green day return to the instruments around him and he left holding his heros guitar. Its also fascinating to see that despite the drummer being in time – theres a big differnece between in time drumming and in time professional drumming. It reminds you the gap between stadium quality musicianship and small club musicianship.

Purely fueled by adrenalin and jumping, I am about 20 m further forward than when i started.. The ballons come in handy, as everyone is able to stick with me and re-find me when lost. Unfortunately my jumping up and down has caused the flag pole to rip the arse out of my shorts, so not only do i have fake breasts, but my underwear is hanging out the back of my trousers.


I look around me and remember what a wonderful weekend it's been. The sun is slowly setting, and Green day have decided to close with “we are the champions” by queen. It is a beautiful thing. There are saltire's waving throughout the crowd, everyone's singing, its a real moment to be proud of being scottish, being alive, being at T, liking music. In less than 24 hours I'll be in Italy off on a new adventure, but Sean Astin's speech in the Goonies resonates for me. “this is our time”. Every 14 yr old kids music. Although I disagree with them, this is what stadiums were made for.



That would have been a great way to finish the weekend, but there one last adventure - the walk home. Luke has promised to try to catch a drum stick for a current 14 yr old kid. I'm sitting on the ground waiting for the crowds to disperse and nursing my calf muscles which were abused by trent reznor on thursday and then topped up by almosy every band I say from then on. The people I'm sitting with point to a scrum and point out that Luke – a rather big boy – is at the centre of it. He shouts for me and it's time to go into action.

I launch myself at a huge mass of 14 yr old kids who are desperately trying to get something off my mate. They are diving on as fast as I'm throwing them off. Luckily everyone is laughinag and having reat fun. I get my weight down amoung them and push them apart about 4 on each arm. Its now a struggle. I am assuming that since Luke isn;t that huge a green day fan(I don;t know about the drumstick), that this is something important like Jim Morrison's last bottle of Jack Daniels, Jimi's woodstock guitar or Eddie Vedder's pubes. Suddenly one of them shouts:

“quick him with the boobs = give him a wedgie”

Okay – enough is enough now we are getting nasty – i pre empt this by putting my forearm through the back of his boxers. The same is happening eot me – I am getting dragged of the ground by my own knicker elastic while hanging onto someone elses and throwing 14 yr olds out of the scrum, laughing at the ridiculousness of it. Then they all disappear – the stick has gone. On to a new scrum. I lie laughing on the ground with Luke. Completely knackered. Not only do I have fake breasts, and no arse in my shorts, I now have no underwear either, but the weekend still isn't over.

We walk back to the tent with a severe case of the giggles. My one remaining balloon on the flag pole is our dog which we walk home.

It nearly bites a policeman. They just laugh.

The security dogs just look at us perplexed.

The girl we ask to watch it while we pee holds onto it – and wonders if we are serious when we promise her it won't bite.

She isn't quite sure what to think about this large hairy man with fake breasts, a bare arse and a balloon for a dog. Now thats how to end a weekend!!!!!!!